maybe a repost? found this in my drafts

June 2010-May 2012

The best worst time period I can remember: Two failed relationships, lost job of 5 years, moved away from my hometown again cause I couldn't find work, three cars died...blah, blah, woe, blah...blast-off!  Lessons learned, new city, new people, new me.  I'm not that different from the way I was, but now I am more aware of my negative tendencies.  I'm paying attention to how my actions affect others, while at the same time learning how to not let others negative tendencies affect me.  I'm not out of the woods by any stretch, but I keep facing everything with a confident smile and consistent resolve.  I have a whole city to conquer!  I have come to terms with so many things, one of them being that the simple life is not one that i desire.  The ceiling is too low in that house with the white picket fence.  I'm not saying that I don't want to raise a family or share my life with someone great...I simply refuse to have it be an either/or situation.  If a woman steps up and wants to ride with me.  Awesome.  But I'm not holding my breath.  One of the deepest insights that I've gained over the last few years is that when dealing with people, I must maintain my own interests, without involving them or needing anything from them.  Also, when I give of myself to others it can't be to my detriment... I support because I can, not because I must.  Giving not self destructive sacrificing. Over the top of that, I have woven some simple surface character traits into my daily life:  avoiding complaining, not talking so much right when I wake up, not talking so loudly (really hard), remaining positive without being annoyingly so.  I am building the inner confidence and poise to eliminate impatience, frustration, and ill-temperment (which I feel are all connected together--one leads to another)---it's an everyday goal.

I killed my social networking profiles today.  Now when I write it might actually mean something.

JUMPING UNDER THE SHARK

I wish you could visualize this song I'm hearing, here-ing.  I thought of L.Bangs today.  And his war with L.Reed.  MMM.  I could use a little shake up.  I was a tornado tonight.  Unpeppy.  I smiled at the end, it was good.  New things are everywhere.  I'm surrounded by nice folks.  I am trying to relate to them...not a lot of common cultural ground.  I have grown tired of teaching.  Presenting culture seems so thankless.  People always get it, on their own time.  I have saved $400 in a month.  I can do better.  I need to pay pat H, that cash I owe him.
podcast on tuesday night: metropolitan educational systems.  tired of reacting to other people's insecurity bullshit.  GREAT EXPECTATIONS/STILL NEVER DISAPPOINTED.  the year 1066 showed us nothing.  I never shoot civillains.  I've had more drinks bought for me in the last 3 weeks than I have in my whole life.  I'm a dreamer, watch me come up with something.  respect (we'rebusyallthetime)space.  A lot to read tomorrow.  this is a happy house, we're happy here/ in this happy house/ we're just fine.______________+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wait.  Maybe, just maybe, by providing stability and Love, I can calm people's insecurities, then turn doubt on it's head-----make doubt something useful...
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
STEADY/CAREFREE/TWO DAYS REMOVED FROM MY LAST CIGARETTE/STUDY SECRET HISTORIES/7 FOOT GLOWWORMS CHASE ME PASSIVELY/ THEY HAVE NO CHINS/100 PUSH UPS/ 500 SIT-UPS/MILES I WALK/ HAPPILY/SEE-THROUGH SOULS/NIGHT DRIVE/HAVING ALL I NEED/UP HERE GETTING REALLY REALLY GOOD AT EVERYTHING/ FOUND MY PEN, FOUND A FRIEND/ MET A GIRL/ METAGIRL/ MICROGIRL/ BEING REASONABLE BY DEMANDING THE IMPOSSIBLE OF MYSELF/TIME SCOOTS ALONG/GOODTHINGS GOODTHINGS PROUDMAN PROUDMAN/ WRAPPING MYSELF IN SUEDE/CONTENT WITH THE NEW LIFE I'VE MADE/I WORK PATIENTLY IN CALM/ ANTICIPATING MY RETURN/ MARX OR MORAL SENTIMENTS/?/DOUBTLESS/I LIVE THE HIDDEN FORTRESS/ I LOVE THE OPEN GARDEN/TEND TO IT/PERPETUAL GROWTH MOTION MACHINE/ PSYCHIC MESSAGES SENT HEART TO HEART/BUSY ALL THE TIME/FREED FROM NEED
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
The largest font.I defined confidence today:  Being sure of one's abilities to create desired outcomes.  I refuse to a life wrapped in a chokehold blanket of fantasy.  My reality is more interesting.There are two cars to sell.  One is a break even.  The other is a true loss. My intuition is 80% correct 20% of the time.  Spot on otherwise.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Synthesize MeHypnotize MeEnergize MeI Love to See You ShineYour Heart Beats Like A DrumHammers When You CumDon't Patronize MeYou Really Blow My Mind-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Character note for TAKE IT EASY ON THE NORMALSIn the beginning, the protagonist empowers his lovers.  He wants no followers.  They always leave him.  He is has nowhere to take them past the immediate.  His past is secret, his future does not exist.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I am fearless right now.  Unfuckablewith.  I can't believe that I led my life for so long under this great big cloud of guilt, well deserved guilt, mind you.  Now that I'm 7 months removed from all the bad decisions and lies….I am hopeful.  Maybe hope isn't the correct word.  I have a  measured expectation of success in anything that I do.  This isn't an irrational confidence, but more of a I know what I'm doing and all I have to do is stay focused.  I am free, strong, and motivated.  I am cutting all of the obstacles down to a manageable size.  A little here a little there.  Try something new, even if seems already a known quantity.  Although the circumstances constantly change, the emotional spirit does not.  The core is solid.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There should be a book on appropriate cell phone etiquette.
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NEWSFLASH: ONE HAND KILLS THE OTHER-CLAIMS INSANITY BY CEASELESS WASHING
by Christian Bauer on Monday, 12 September 2011 at 17:47 ·


As I endure the great unravelling of my life ever accelarating with vindictive coldness, I think, "what a faulty world I have created! Poor choices at critical moments compounded by the lack of contingency planning, etc allows for this setback serve as the catalyst for personal "...k sas;dglhqe. O.K. CB IS fuckd FOR SURE, RIGHT? Well maybe this aspect of myself ought to be killed to death by circumstance and farewells, left broken alone. Actual sustainable positive personal growth could use the mental real estate, I'm sure.

STREAMLINE ALL. LOVE, RESPECT, AND LISTEN MORE. TRY YOUR DAMNDEST TO NOT ALWAYS ENVISION THE LIGHT AT THE TUNNELS END AS DREAMS AND RELATIONSHIPS IN FLAME.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
2am,
by Christian Bauer on Tuesday, 8 February 2011 at 03:05 ·


headache, louis c.k., game theory, can't decide which side i'm on, make pleasantly ugly music, sick of identity changers (that's just the top layer, they are who we thought they were, i've got more in common with who I was, than who I am becomin'), I should be enjoying everything, like my latitude/don't always like my attitude, I've lost my closest friends, I'm sure they're in that rubbermaid box somewhere, like my space, don't look at my face (especially my eyes!) ha.  "Wow, you're really on it."
hmm, just wait until tomorrow.  sigh

the gift, velvet underground.  Waldo Jeffers....(thank god that's not going to happen to me!!!)
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    •    Patrick Hudson and Whitney Ater like this.

    ◦    Christian Bauer by the way, there's no message here. just extemporaneous thoughts...8 February 2011 at 03:06 · Like


    ◦    


Jamie Tincher I bet there's a hidden message if you read it backwards.8 February 2011 at 03:24 · Like ·  1


    ◦    


Quentin Serafin temporary8 February 2011 at 03:49 · Like


    ◦    Christian Bauer yeah, yeah. that's right.8 February 2011 at 14:20 · Like


    ◦    


Patrick Hudson did it feel good?9 February 2011 at 02:17 · Like


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On Floating.

A letter to a friend.

Just read your first entry. I do know that there are others like you and I who are actively pursuing actually living life. I watched a documentary film about the life of Joseph Cambell last night and his message has given me a key to overcome one of my biggest issues not only creatively, but also personally: When trying something new (entering the unknown) or conflict arrises (causing anxiety, fear, and insecurity), I have always relied on my intellect exclusively, thus becoming paralyzed by over analyzation, making every act a task. Tirelessly working in such a cold void is exhausting and kills the joy of creation. Furthermore, in romantic relationships, pure intellectualism creates cracks and faultlines in foundation of Love even as the cornerstone of the first kiss is shared. Cambell's ideas of the monomyth has provided me with a call to acknowlage the journey of self-realization. Since I am the hero of my own story, this journey I am embracing (the journey began at birth, I just ignored it's significance) to write my own mythology is already allowing me to build a spiritual framework which allows me to harness my potential to Love and Create. By building my own personal mythos, I am giving meaning to all I Love, think, and do. Equally important, I find that I am truely recognizing and appreciating other people's roles in my life and in turn, mine in theirs. This is a very powerful realization. When it hit me, I finally let go of all of the pain of rejection and abandonment I have felt concerning the ending of my romantic relationship with Lauren. Instead of looking at our relationship as over, I have come to terms with the fact that our roles in each other's lives has merely changed. It also has allowed me to be open to the possibility that roles may change again, thus negating feelings of regret that I have felt for months (embracing the unknown).  Lastly, I am seeing clearly the beauty in myself, others, and truely appreciating adventure of life.

Track One. Future Islands.

Hello Everything!

"I don't know what today is going to bring, but I do know that I will conduct myself with class, integrity, and respect." 

 

Right, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm really happy with the work that I'm doing, everything is going well. I want to use facebook towards that end. In the past, I have played with format dropping vauge hints to what's going on in my head. That's just kind of conterproductive to where I'm at and where I am going. I've been out of work more or less for three months now because, well, the economy. Not for the lack of trying. Instead of crying over spilt milk, I have been building skills through volunteer work and next week I will have my first paying gig! It's amazing! My work with The EmeraldCoast Dream Factory is the most important thing in my life right now. I truely love and respect everyone involved, they are really great people. For all the stress, uncertainty, abandonment, and sadness I have been dealing with my in personal life and trying to feed myself life, Dream Factory has provided me with a way to face and overcome my fears through creation. Our work with making films, producing projects, helping others by hosting workshops is the most inspiring thing I ever been apart of. So when I say, "I don't know what today is going to bring...", I am saying I am ready to face anything with a clear and open mind because I posses the self-respect and confidence to do what is right.